5 Thoughts that Run Through a Shy Dater’s Mind

Ah, that amazing feeling of being free, of being independent, of being single. The same thoughts rolled across my mind, only to be shattered by my alter-ego: The Shy Dater.

For those of you who don’t suffer with this, I applaud you. Keep doing you. For many of us though, we can’t escape the torment that comes along with being the bashful date.

We seem to not have trouble sending that first text, sharing pictures of our dogs (guilty), Snapchatting, or venting about our long days at work.

But, once he sends the dreaded let’s-meet-for-a-drink text, our confidence is shaken. We timidly say yes and all of the sudden this “dating” scene seems far too real, especially if it’s been awhile since you’ve had to attractively stuff your face with a burger in front of a crush (that took me lots of practice).

So, you go anyway. You put on your cutest outfit, some makeup, and laugh that you’re still this nervous after the many dates you’ve already been on.

This is what I’ve found to be true: There are 5 thoughts that run through the Shy Dater’s mind while sitting across the table from someone who you could either end up with or never talk to again.

Do I Order a Drink?

If you’re like me, a glass of wine (or five) helps calm my nerves. However, if this is a blind date (yes, those still happen), you never really know what your date is comfortable with. Does he drink? Did he have a bad experience with a past date spilling red wine all over his neatly pressed button-up? What if my teeth… and lips… Turn red? Will he not want to kiss me? Oh no, what if he kisses me? A simple question spirals into a much larger issue. Just make sure to sit there, smiling, as he talks about his adorable niece and he shouldn’t notice.

Salad… or Steak…

As a female, ordering can be hard. You don’t want to break his bank with the quality filet mignon (or maybe we do…), but you also don’t want to seem unconfident by ordering the caesar salad with dressing on the side. Here’s my advice: Talk about dishes and what’s on the menu before you order. You’ll get a feel for what he’s thinking of ordering and what’s in his price range. Don’t be embarrassed for showing your inner-carnivore on the date. Guys usually like it.

Do I Have Something in my Teeth?

My guy friends and I have no problem brightly smiling to one another and mumbling this question. Let’s be honest… We all hate that person who won’t tell you that leftover spinach is hanging from your front teeth. But what if it happens on the date? We obviously can’t ask him… and he obviously won’t tell us (if he does, he’s a keeper). What if food is everywhere? Will he not want to kiss me? Oh no, what if he kisses me? You see the vicious cycle.

How Will The Night End?

You’ve finished your filet mignon and now it’s time to leave. He helps with your coat and walks you to your car. You’re flushed as you try to find your keys in your black hole of a purse. You both arrive to your car and your hands suddenly get clammy and your heart flutters. How he says goodbye says a lot about the date, and what will come later on. I always appreciate the kiss on the cheek: It shows interest but also shows that he is willing to take his time to get to know you. No matter what you expect or want to happen after the date, make sure that you’re comfortable and you do something because you want to. It’s a two way street.

Will He Call?

You never really know these days what proper protocol is after a date. Should you text him? Will he text you? Doesn’t anyone call these days? Guilty as charged… I’m usually waiting by my phone either eagerly wanting him to contact me or praying that he won’t, because let’s be honest, I’m not only shy on the date but also when it comes to letting someone down nicely (most girls need to work on this). So, after a year of dates, here’s what I do when I’m interested: I text him that night or the next morning thanking him for dinner/drinks and telling him I had a great time. That usually sets the tone for the next date and lets him know I’m interested.

Moral of the story: Dating is good for you and will help you realize what you want and don’t want in a partner. Be yourself, be comfortable, and use your shyness for good. It shows that you not only care but that you’re interested. There’s no harm in that.

Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn

                                                                                                                                       A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook-up world

A portrait of a young couple enjoying a summers day

The Art of Long-Distance Relationships

So you’ve found “the one.” The only problem is, maybe you’ve left for college, graduated and moved elsewhere, or accepted a job in another city or state. Whatever the case, you’re officially in a long-distance relationship (we know, it sucks).

You think to yourself, “People do it all the time. Why can’t I?” You resort to texting 24/7, calling at night, and thanking the Skype gods that you’re able to pass the time until you see your “sweetie” next. Well… reality check: It probably won’t last, and that isn’t because you’re long-distance. It’s actually because later on you won’t be long-distance.

Yeah yeah, cue the angry fist waving and “I’m the minority” speeches about being able to make it magically work long-distance and once you reunite. If you really are the minority, which is possible, congrats, you deserve a trophy. You’ve locked down the right way to go about having a boyfriend or girlfriend out of arm’s reach and then back again.

For most of us, though, we tend to have a hard time not physically seeing, hugging, and being with our partner. We normally think that things will get so much better once they move to us or vice versa, when in reality, this ends up only hurting the relationship.

Let’s dig a little deeper. Research by Stafford & Merolla have found that geographically close relationships are less stable than long-distance relationships (2007). To most of us, this makes no sense. We’re supposed to have a harder time away from our partner and an easier time once we reunite.

One of the reasons why long-distance relationships are more stable is because the partners usually try harder to keep the love alive. In other words, more effort is put into the relationship to overcompensate for the distance. However, once the relationship is no longer long-distance, the proximity leaves more room for laziness, not having to impress your partner, and thinking that the shorter distance makes up for no longer keeping the romance alive.

This is the number one mistake of couples once they go from long-distance to short-distance. No matter the miles apart, couples should always fight to keep that spark alive, even if it may look differently depending on the type of relationship and where.

Moral of the story, it’s not exactly the long-distance relationship that needs fixing and help, it’s what happens once you become proximal to one another. Just because your partner might now be a short drive away, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat him or her as if the journey is a $600, 3,000 mile plane ride. Let the wooing commence.

Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn

                                                                                                                                       A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook-up world.


Actions Don’t Speak Louder Than Words

“Men show their love. They’re less emotional. Expect to see how much they care about you.”


It’s come to my attention recently that most women have been told this over and over again, not to mention that men have grown up thinking that it’s the norm. Girls should say I love you, need you, want you, while guys should show you in flowers, chocolates, and food.

Although this shouldn’t necessarily be completely thrown out (trust me, I love myself a good cheeseburger and fries bought by my man), it’s important to realize that females need to hear it, and males need to be shown sometimes.

What about chivalry? Isn’t the guy supposed to step up and do things for his woman? How does this cross the line of men no longer acting like their mothers raised them?

Newsflash: It doesn’t.

Guys: Do open her door for her, but also tell her how much you love her.

Girls: Keep on verbalizing your feelings for him, but also make him feel wanted through actions.

It’s not rocket science. Too often do I see couples feeling like something is missing. Something isn’t adding up. Needs aren’t being met. Then we hear the all-too-popular, “It’s just how guys are.”

It’s quite simple, thus this simple article. Actions shouldn’t outweigh words. Words shouldn’t outweigh actions.

One of the greatest things about our generation is its passion for equality. I, personally, outreach that need into The Relationship (yes, the daunting “I may marry this person” relationship).

You don’t realize how far this really goes in a relationship until you truly have this. When you don’t, you never see how much you really are falling short.

Once this balance is there, hold onto it. Cherish it. Thank your significant other for giving this to you. It’s far too distant right now.

Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn

                                                                                                                                        A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook-up world.


When It’s The Right Relationship

Let’s admit it, we’ve all kissed a few frogs in our lifetime (or ogres). They’ve taught us that independence is key, there’s better out there, and that knowing your self-worth is top priority in finding someone to love.

Yes, to give them some credit, they also taught us what is means to be someone’s backbone in hard times, how to listen and work on flaws that hadn’t been discovered before, and how much wine is really too much wine when you’re meeting their family for the first time (this is an important lesson, guys).

What we’ve really learned, though, is that it isn’t fair to give up on who you are, sacrifice important things in life that mean the world and more to you, and not feel whole when you’re with and without the presence of that person.

Ladies, and gentlemen (I know you’re there), even if you haven’t found that healthy, eye opening mix between independence, reliability, happiness, and hardship in a relationship, don’t give up. I always hated when people would tell me, “When you know, you just know.” Yeah, okay mom.

It really is true, and although waiting sucks, here’s what you can look forward to when you’re, quite simply, with the right person.

There’s a Healthy Amount of Commitment

The times you spend together are great, even if you argue every once in awhile, because simply put; you enjoy being there for each other in the good and the bad. Being in each other’s company brings you more joy than you could have predicted.

But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy time apart with your friends to grab a few beers (or shots). Some space, not in the sense of long-distance, though, let’s you remember who you are, carry out your separate hobbies, and keep important relationships with friends and family. Not to mention, this signifies a huge amount of trust.

You Challenge Each Other

Some conversations suck, especially if someone is trying to challenge your view point about something. This can turn into one of two things: an argument or a time to widen your comfort zone.

No, you don’t need to change what you think, believe, or want, but remember that a true sign that someone cares and trusts you is them wanting to talk about hard subjects and help you understand something in a different way. Grow together, even if you ideals seem far apart.

You Argue

I’m not saying that every time you see each other you should fight, yell, or run out on each other. However, having a disagreement every once in awhile is good. It teaches the other person what your problem solving skills are and vice versa. Knowing how to get past a fight and come to an agreement, even to disagree, is crucial. Life is hard. Times get hard. Learn how to overcome those battles.

Your Friends Get Along

To me, this is extremely important. There’s nothing better than being able to see your best friends and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) at the same time. My friends are like an in-house background check: If they don’t like you, there’s a good chance it won’t work out. Turns out, how your friends predict your relationship to pan out usually is right.

You Keep the Romance Alive

Lastly, keeping that “spark” well and lit within a relationship is more important than people think. Remember the butterflies you used to get in the beginning and all of the romantic gestures? Usually those habits die out once you both become comfortable with each other.

Guys, never underestimate what romantic gestures can do for your relationship (even if you’ve been together 30 years). Flowers, making dinner, or doing whatever is important for your lady moves mountains and raises the chances of you both staying together.

Ladies, don’t forget that guys have needs, too. It may look differently from what you need to keep the romance alive, but this is a two way street. Learn what he likes, wants to do, and appreciates from you (yes, even if it’s you having to make him a sandwich so that he can brag to his friends tomorrow).

Always remember that there are going to be bumps along the way, but being each other’s number one fan can make being together worth everything that comes with being in a relationship. All of those frogs you kissed will be well worth it once you have the right one rooting for you in life.
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What Your Post-Breakup Style Says About You

Letting go of someone can be one of the hardest things you do. You’re ending it with someone who you shared common hobbies, interests, and values with. Even if the relationship was rocky, you still tend to forget the bad and greatly miss the good.

Although everyone deals with breakups differently, the way you decide to move on can greatly paint a picture about what you are going through, how you feel, and even what your subconscious emotions are.

So, maybe we’ve all reacted in different ways depending on the breakup and with whom it was with. However, here are some ways people choose to react, why they react in those ways, and what to do if you fit in a category:

The Obsessor

When our bodies experience a spike in adrenaline and cortisol, we often have a fight or flight response. During a breakup, you are essentially losing something that made you feel stable and was a large portion of your daily life. Losing someone who played a huge role in your life can cause an immense amount of stress. “The Obsessor” likely acts on the fight response. This person will call nonstop, beg to reverse the breakup, and will say anything to put the pieces back together. Often, this can imply that the breakup was not expected or initiated only by the other partner. The best thing to do in this case is to turn off your phone, breathe, and try to calm your nerves in whatever way possible. Once relaxed, you can talk to your now ex and try to calmly receive some closure.

The Ignorer

This often is exhibited by the ex-boyfriend (although sometimes females). This is the flight response. You simply sweep your feelings under the rug, sometimes because you’ve had enough or are even unable to fathom what you may be feeling. “The Ignorer” is really good at hiding feelings or refusing to let them flow freely. This can be hurtful for the other party, but remember that usually the lost feelings will show up, probably later on once the breakup settles in. You may not be able to confront the feelings that come with a breakup right away, but remember that your soon-to-be-ex may be devastated. Be kind and caring.

The Agreer

“I feel the same way.” Bulls*$%. When a breakup happens and hadn’t been discussed much in the past, there is no way that the breakup is mutual. “The Agreer” fits closely with “The Ignorer” in the sense that you are going to in no way reciprocate the feelings that tag along with a breakup. As “The Agreer” you may not want to show weakness or may be embarrassed to make it seem like you really do care so much (because you may think the other person doesn’t). My advice is to not be ashamed to say, “Hey, this sucks and I didn’t see it coming.” It’s okay to be the one that’s sad, it shows that you truly did care for the other person.

The Hot Head

Oh, the irony. You absolutely hate your ex with a burning passion… yet you can’t stop talking about it or putting your ex down. Although you may think hatred means you no longer care or love someone, it often means the opposite. You are devastated about losing this person. “The Hot Head” doesn’t know how to cope and lashes out at the easiest target: the ex. My advice is to simply stop. Losing someone is hard, but remember that it happened for a reason and life will get better. I promise. In the meantime, focus on moving on and becoming the best possible “you.”

The Reflector

This is, in my opinion, the best way to deal with a breakup. “The Reflector” may not understand the emotions, but is open to feeling them. It’s okay to feel sadness, anger, or denial, and “The Reflector” realizes that and deals with each feeling the best way possible. You may have wanted to act like the people above, but in the end it’s not worth it. The breakup is final and it’s time to grieve through that. My advice is to keep focusing on yourself, coping, and working through this hard time. Your life will get brighter much faster and you will be happy that you worked on what you needed to change from the past relationship. Keep doing you.

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To Rebound, or Not to Rebound?

“Urban Legend” (more like my friends) says that the most difficult time for women after a breakup is the immediate future, while men tend to feel pain once some time has passed. Either way, women can feel the need to quickly jump into a relationship with another guy, simply because they are lonely and want to speed up the recovery process. Men, on the other hand, just don’t know how to be alone so suddenly and seek out other women to keep playing the “numbing game” (until they completely emotionally “break” six months later).

What I want to know, though, is if rebounds are truly the right thing to pursue. Let’s first be honest. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and your friend has done it, whether that be by casually texting someone or full on jumping into a relationship.

Social media, especially dating apps, has made rebounding extremely easy. With a click of a button, you have access to single people and effortless in-app messaging. Not only that, but it gives you a window into seeing what your ex is up to (as much as we really shouldn’t be looking). You’re so much more likely to rebound if you 1. see your ex doing so, 2. want to make him or her jealous, or 3. want to be doing just as well as your ex supposedly is (remember: It’s easy for them to hide behind status updates and picture uploads). This can quickly become a vicious cycle.

On the other hand, rebounds can turn into something truly special. Maybe you really do find yourself liking the person, sharing interests, and growing an organic relationship. From experience, this is such a rewarding outcome. On the other hand, it could make you feel more lonely than you hoped for if it ends dramatically. So, what’s the deal?

Although someone may not want to know that he or she is the rebound, recent research by Brumbaugh and Fraley (2014) has suggested that jumping into a relationship after the termination of another romantic one may actually boost your functioning. Even more surprisingly, it helped the study’s sample get over their past relationship quicker and easier.

The one negative piece that was found regarding rebounds, was that often the idea of revenge was laced in with the new relationship. The rebound, although genuine, may also be used to hurt the other ex. Brumbaugh and Fraley explained that this reveals unresolved conflict between the former duo.

After reading this article, I became pro-rebound, but only for the right reasons. If there is tension, anger, and even hatred between you and your ex, I don’t believe that a rebound is the answer. That would just create a space for revenge (and a “used” rebound). However, if the breakup was bound to happen and both parties agreed on the split, jumping into a relationship could cause minimal harm and be beneficial in the long run.

There’s still one problem: Who you rebound with. No matter how much the person having gone through the breakup wants to become “involved” again, someone may feel uncomfortable being the rebound (I don’t blame ‘em). This is where it’s important to share intentions, why you like them, and how you are able to get in a relationship with them so quickly after your last one. Be straightforward, but don’t be upset or even surprised if they opt out.

It all comes down to being honest with yourself and the person you rebound with. Pay attention to how you feel, how your last breakup ended, and what you want to gain as a newly single person. Getting into a relationship is a big decision, rebound or not, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Think things through and do what’s right for you.

Photo Credit:

Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn

                                                                                                                                       A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook

The Perfect First Date Outfit

So you’ve finally locked one in. He seems like your future “McDreamy.” He’s nowhere near middle age balding, he has a great job, and you both really hit it off. The only thing you now have to overcome is the first date. This can either make or break your future together. Although conversation, what you eat, and where you go are extremely important considerations, you need to wear the right outfit. Simply put, that’s the first thing he will see. Before you even say a word, you both will subconsciously form opinions as soon as you wave awkwardly across the room and start walking towards one another. So, I’ve provided some first date examples and what the perfect outfit would be to hopefully guide you towards choosing the best possible outfit for your date with Mr. Right.

The Average Dinner and Movie Date


I don’t blame you. This is always the safest first date: You’re around other people (stranger danger is real), you can drive yourself there and home, and it’s laid-back enough to make things not so awkward. So, what do you wear? My advice for this date would be the “three C’s.” Keep it casual, cute, and comfortable. I always love the dark washed skinny jeans, a pair of flats, and an oversize top to balance out those tight jeans. It allows you to mix around with hair styles, jewelry, handbags, and belts to make your outfit personalized. With this ensemble, you can also stay comfortable and warm in those god-awful, cold movie theatres.

The Modern Coffee Date


With a generation full of bloggers, coffee dates are becoming the norm. This date screams “I can roll out of bed and still look amazing.” My advice for this date would be to throw on a cute dress, your favorite booties, and a cute long-chained necklace or scarf to accessorize. The dress will make it look like you are spontaneous but effortless. Not only that, but you will also look like you spent precious time getting ready (men somehow don’t understand that it takes a whole two seconds to put on a dress).


The Intimate Home Cooked Meal


This is stereotypical “Fabio.” He’s tall, dark, handsome, and romantic. He also wants to cook his grandmother’s famous recipe for you. Your heart melts and you immediately agree (granted you trust the guy). On this date, you want to look great, but not too flashy since it’s a night in. For this type of date, I recommend a cute skirt with tights, boots, and a cardigan. It’s a relaxed look that still screams femininity. You’ll be comfortable, but still impressive on your first date with this lucky guy. It can even naturally transform to an outfit for after dinner drink once dinner has been served.


The Exploratory Date


You’ve found yourself an adventurous one. The modern-day Indiana Jones with either a lumberjack beard or the best man bun you’ve ever laid eyes on. He wants to keep things fun, spontaneous, and out-of-the-box. You cringe (don’t lie), but quickly accept the invitation because you never know and he may be the one. Personally, this is my favorite outfit. Not only do you get to look hot, but you’re comfy. Throw on your skin-tight leggings and cute, neon Nike shoes. This shows off your legs and your alter-ego (as if you actually work out in those clothes, let’s be real ladies). If you’d rather not show off your legs or butt, wearing a long, flowy workout tank or shirt can easily draw attention away from your lower half. Whatever you decide, you won’t feel as much pressure to look perfect, because you’ll be focusing most of your attention on the date at hand. It’s a win-win.


The Stressful Last Minute Date


This is nerve-racking. You both randomly decide, “Hey, let’s meet up RIGHT NOW.” Those are words that can easily cause a heart attack for the girl currently in her pajamas and lounging in bed with her lap dog on a Friday night. Okay, so first things first: This is possible. My go-to outfit for spontaneous dates includes black leggings, brown boots, and a cute sweater with a fun accessory. Most girls have a huge array of leggings and sweaters, so you never have to worry about something getting dry cleaned or washed beforehand. Spray in some dry shampoo, make a cute messy bun, and rest assured that disaster: averted.



Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn

A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook-up world.

Are Men More Likely to Cheat Than Women?

Let’s be honest. We’ve all, personally or not, witnessed the heartbreak of cheating boyfriends or girlfriends. It feels like someone ripped our hearts out and stomped on them like road kill. We immediately turn to our closest friends, alcohol, our bed, or the infamous rebounds (guilty as charged).

But what would be different if we knew the warning signs? If we knew what leads up to that point? If we tried to understand the reasons of cheating so that we could prevent it?

Well, here I am. Research and all, we’ll be tackling two topics of cheating assholes (and other colorful words): Who’s more likely to cheat and why it happens in the first place.

Buzzfeed has done a lot of work for me already. There are endless articles about “how to get back at your cheating boyfriend” or “best ten ways to get over an ex who did you wrong.” So, luckily, this article won’t be as brain rotting. I hope readers will at least get something out of this one and maybe even see warning signs before it’s too late and they gain ten pounds in cookie dough.

First, let’s begin with the biggest controversy about cheating: Are men or women more likely to cheat? Funny enough, most articles and social media blasts are about those jerks who couldn’t keep their hands off other women, as if their animal-like instincts made them. More recently, though, some research has uncovered that women might be just as bad, if not even worse than men. The one thing I’ve concluded, though, is that more research simply needs to be done. One huge implication then, given that conclusion, is that we men-haters need to cool it. Not all men are the same, not all men will cheat, and it’s quite possible that women are worse (they just don’t have volatile stories published about them on Facebook or Twitter). There is one thing I’m certain about then and would like to get off of my chest:

Women cheat. A lot. But so do men.

Shocking, isn’t it? But with that statement, what really matters? It’s plain and simple: Know when you’re dating someone who may cheat or even better, look for warning signs when you begin dating and be proactive in making sure your heart isn’t ripped out like the last person’s. So, here’s when this article gets a little bit more matter-of-fact.

There is usually a reason.

No. I’m not saying that there should be a good excuse nor am I condoning why someone may cheat. I’m just alluding to the fact that unless someone is a full blown psychopath (yes, they exist), he or she may have some reason for cheating on their partner and why it seemed like a practical solution at the time.

Research has suggested that there are usually traits or reasons that correlate with infidelity. These variables include, but obviously are not limited to, less religiosity, support from their social circle to cheat, having higher self-esteem, and having a history of cheating (Jackman, 2015). Maybe us women and men need to look out for such red flags more often and help our friends when they’re too lovestruck to see the signs (that honeymoon stage is powerful).

When it comes to women specifically, they are more likely to cheat on their partner if they feel emotionally or physically abandoned (Jeanfreau, Jurich, & Mong, 2014). It’s the modern 1950’s scenario: Your boyfriend or husband works for a big-shot company, gets home late, is too tired to even ask how your day was, and goes straight to sleep (or if you’re really unlucky, has to keep working).

So, what should we do with this information, exactly? It doesn’t mean you need to go home and yell at your boyfriend because he isn’t “religious enough.” Instead, if someone has a combination of factors or reasons as to why it may seem like a go-to solution within the relationship, COMMUNICATE. That’s in caps for a reason. It’s such a simple word, but so many couples fail to do this simple task.

Talk about expectations. Discuss how to combat feeling lonely in stressful times. Tell your partner when you don’t feel appreciated. Ask the person you’re dating (just not on the first date) if they’ve made that mistake. Some truly do learn from it and change, but it’s up to you to make the decision on whether or not they’re worth the risk.

To wrap this up, keep an eye out for people who may not be the right fit for you, and know that if cheaters slip through your fingers, not everyone and their mother will cheat on you. Soon enough you will meet someone who knows your worth. And on a side note, remember that infidelity does not discriminate, and anyone of any gender can make that mistake. Date on, but this time intelligently.


Vanessa Vaughn

Vanessa Vaughn


A recent college graduate who specializes in dating drama, rebound philosophy, reality TV, Netflix binges, breakup therapy, and all of the ins and outs that come with being a twenty two year old just trying to find her way in this crazy, hook-up world.


What Exactly is ‘Negging’ and why is it Harmful?

If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve probably been a victim to ‘negging’ – whether or not you were even aware of it.

Negging is essentially a pickup method used by some in order to grab the targeted woman’s attention, while simultaneously lowering the woman’s social value, giving him a better chance at closing the deal.

As the name suggests, negging uses negativity disguised as a compliment (at best). The main objective is to tease the woman (AKA prey) by coyly undermining her self-worth so that in the end, she gets knocked down a level or two and will subconsciously try to earn the man’s (AKA predator’s) approval. Many low-grade men utilize this methodology as a means to play out of their league. They justify this demeaning act by claiming how hot women are snobby and otherwise rude to them at bars, etc. (Side rant – Why would you go out your way to try and be with someone snobby and rude anyway??)

Whether or not negging actually works (FYI – it won’t on strong and self-confident women), the point is that negging is actually really damaging to our society. It’s harmful to women especially, but it also causes harm to our dating culture. Here’s why.

Harmful to Women

Society puts plenty of pressure on women already. From the clothes we wear, to our weight, to our hair, to our personalities… we’re already fielding unrealistic expectations left and right. So when a douchebag walks up to us and ‘negs’ us with a comment as innocuous as “your roots are showing”, it’s unkind, mean-spirited, and hurtful.

Here’s the deal. We don’t know you. You’re a complete stranger and for you to take a jab at us or as negging defenders would say, ‘make an observation’ about us is rude. We do not have a close relationship where you are allowed to tease and/or point out our flaws.

While negging may work (debatable), it only yields superficial results because you’ve made a great girl feel like a shittier version of herself than before she met you. What you end up with is a less-confident version of what you were originally attracted to. Is that something you really want and is that the type of person you want to be?

Damaging to Dating Culture

It’s no secret that women are constantly complaining about how there aren’t any good guys left. So when ‘negging’ becomes so popular that even seemingly ‘nice guys’ are putting it to practice, this does a huge disservice to the actual good guys and our dating culture as a whole.

Good guys shouldn’t have to neg. Negging is a pickup method that douches, sexists, and narcissists employ. Since the whole point is to put someone down, the ‘negger’, generally speaking, is a shitty person. Think about it, if you have to go out of your way to slyly insult someone that you actually like, doesn’t that make you feel like a piece of shit?? That would be a normal person’s reaction, but supporters of negging seem to forgo this consequence – because they are shitty people.

The more good guys turn to negging as a means to get a girl, the more the age-old adage “where are all the good guys?” perpetuates and continues to grow. Let’s stop this whole negging nonsense. It’s unkind, damaging, and gives the good guys out there a bad reputation. As we all learned early on in life, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all!” – Thumper.

Here’s a suggestion, rather than pointing out a flaw to get a woman’s attention, try instead to compliment her smile/eyes/laugh/hair/etc. This would be such a sexy breath of fresh air and I challenge the men out there to try this method instead.        


Samantha Chan

Samantha Chan

As a long time city-dweller, this single lady has seemingly dated her way through the Bay. When she’s not busy dating, she’s writing about dating as the differences between men and women often fascinate, inspire, and perplex her.

Don’t Order These Dishes on a First Date

I need to start off with a little PSA : Don’t do dinner for a first date. First dates are already so awkward, thinking about what to order is not something I want to add to the list of things I need to worry about. Also, dinner is a big commitment for a first date…what if you’re stuck watching someone who revolts you stuff their face for 3 hours? Keep it simple, grab a drink to ease those nerves and get to know each other. Save dinner for the second date.

But I digress, I’m supposed to tell you what not to order at dinner on first date in this post. Let’s avoid the slurping, spinach teeth, onion breath, and gravy dripping down your chin. Eating is not always the most attractive thing.

Here are 10 dishes you definitely want to avoid:

Ribs & Wings

Ribs Eating ContestIf it involves a bib or moist towelettes, it’s probably not a good idea.



I’ve experienced this first hand. Watching your date rip apart a sea creature and slurp out it’s insides is a big NOPE. Also, it’s smelly.

Onion & Garlic


Unless you’re trying avoid a kiss, stay away. Onion breath is not how you want to be remembered.

Big Leafy Salads

Woman with mouthful of lettuce

Spinach stuck in your teeth just isn’t a good look. Plus chewing big leafs is just awkward looking.



As previously noted with the shellfish, no one wants to hear slurping. It’s not cute. At all. Noodles on a date does not turn into that romantic scene from Lady and the Tramp. Sorry, guys.

Anything with Beans


Do I need to explain this one? You don’t want to be a tooting mess or feel uncomfortable. Opt out.

Big Hamburgers and Sandwiches


It’s not pretty to watch someone try to stuff something much too large into their mouth. Often followed by a ketchup/ mayo/ patty juice combo dripping down their chin.



I for one LOVE spicy food and can handle it pretty well. But if you’re someone who soaks up their napkin with sweat, don’t do it on a first date.



We’re back to the slurping. Not sexy.

Hot Dogs


I’ve never seen someone look good eating a hot dog. Unless you’re at a sports game, don’t order it on the first date.


Sonal Khanna

Sonal Khanna


Music Enthusiast | Dog Lover | Serial Dater | Author of Bonalita Music.